Magnitude

Since I start writing again might as well do a back to back.

“Before you do something, anything, remember to think twice, thrice... seven times before you actually do it.”

Some words of wisdom my dad would repeatedly tell us whenever one of us or us-collectively is in trouble. I cannot stress how many times my dad has used this spiel and how much he would keep on saying it over and over and over again as long as youre on the hot seat. The hot seat, that’s how we usually refer to it when someone is in trouble and dad calls you to have ‘a word’ with you. Usually, it’s with my brothers, one of them, but! since I am (like how I’ve stressed sooo many times!!!) one of the boys, I am usually a victim of the collective “talk”. Forced to sit with them through it just cos someone did something, and I’ve heard the whole caboodle! All sorts of talks from no-drugs, you sneaked out you got busted, no-preggos, youre too young to get married and you cant support a family yet... to the stupidest one like looking ala dennis rodman with the blond hair to pulling an allnighter on the phone when u know u have school. Ah! The perks of having kuyas around!

I know Im no perfect, I may seem like an angel growing up next to (dare)devils but I also had an era which I just trashed what dad used to tell us and lived life without thinking or rethinking anything. It was problie around the time dad passed, see growing up with a strict, strict father who are backed by spies err my kuyas, was just really tough! So can you blame me? If dad was Marcos my mom was the complete opposite, and so naturally it was like Martial Law to "i trust u anak". I did everything and anything for no reason or for d stupidest reasons. I went on a try-all-u-can spree. I allowed myself to be dared, pressured, forced, and do things just for fun; if not I was the one on the other side daring, pushing, pressuring, forcing, or showing the fun. Those were good times for sure, I look back at it I dont regret anything (!!!). It’s something I think most of us go through, we test limits, our personal, and even moral limits.

It was fun and memorable, the things I did, things I tried, dares I pulled.

But today, I go back to what my dad said. You have to keep on pushing yourself to keep on thinking, and rethinking and rethinking and then do it all over again and again and again. And these days especially because of the nightmare that happened last Monday. I wonder at night and always go back to the incident, and it’s just draining to feel sad, anger, hurt, pain, fear, rage, and lots of other stuffs and then do it over and over again. I keep thinking to myself, had M followed what dad used to say perhaps things would be different.

If only he thought to himself that life is not just about one profession, that perhaps he couldve just let go of his case and concentrated on opening up a business, exploring other job opportunities. A bodyguard perhaps, or maybe even public office?
If only he thought about just staying at home and how Mondays are always a good day for noontime TV especially with showtime always getting new guest judges or soaps are continued with the cliffhangers they left on Friday.
If only he thought that social networking sites or youtube is the best and easiest way to be popular and a good opportunity to be heard. Had he been on twitter he couldve twitted the president, had uploaded on utube he couldve landed a role and forget being a cop altogether.
Or if only someone taught him such “techy”niques instead of coming up with the 3pm deadlock deadline.
Or if he only thought about his own life, his own family, his own family name, how they will have to live with that stigma; to be associated with him and then later on be looking for a job, will build a family, will go abroad...
Or if he only thought about PNP, how controversies are just piling up one after the other people just don’t seem to know what to make of them anymore; how he is, WAS a part of them that there’s probably men out there, his colleagues, subordinates, bosses, kumpares who are out there...
Or if he only thought about our fresh and construction on-going government, how its barely standing, barely able to figure out how to pick up the pieces from previous tenants, rebuilding our nation, and just seem to be working to be a fresh sign of CHANGE for everyone these days...
Or if he only thought about the Pinoys- OFWS and immigrants who are from where his victims were, how they are struggling to make a mark at the place where they are to help family, to ease unemployment problems in our country, hardworking individuals yet sometimes considered part of the disadvantaged 2nd or at times even 3rd, 4th class citizens...
Or if only he thought about our country, how we are always just lined with corruption and terrorism, how we are more than what and how we are perceived globally yet never seem to catch a good break...
Or if he only thought about the lives of the people he would take down with him on that bus, their families- parents, kids, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, grandparents, grandchildren, friends, and everyone waiting for them to go back happy and safe from a trip. How they are just innocent, happy troopers who woke up early that day, chose what to wear, problie had a free breakfast buffets, and have packed luggages exploding with shopping loots; that these were people who actually chose our country and entrusted us of their tourist money, and of their lives. Also a side note, their ocean park is better yet they still traveled and paid to see ours...
Had he only thought about life. that it is not ours to take. not something to toy with. not something to treat carelessly, not always how it seems, not always easy, not always bad, not always good, not always how we want it, yet always something that can be made into something... something to be contented with, or something we accept it to be.

I watched that day only to find myself playing the tragic scenes over and over again yet even worse that what was on TV cos then I always think to myself the this and that had M listened to my dad and thought about his actions.

The magnitude of this event is just too much I cannot bear it anymore.

Yet I always go back to another realization that in more ways than one we are all connected to the personalities of the event. Each one of us probably knows a cop, has a Chinese?HKer friend, has been on tour... to HK or elsewhere, has business partners at HK, has family who is a high ranking government official, and the list could go on. All of us who witnessed, watched through the event we are all touched by the tragedy; so in ways we all feel the same, a little bit of what I feel perhaps you feel as well, and a little bit of what you feel I’m sure I feel it just the same.

He was from HK, and it was also a rainy day. Perhaps this is why... I do not like the rain anymore.

Blue Balloon

It’s been awhile since I last wrote something, anything... personal that is. Perhaps cos the last ‘events’ in my life has been too painful, too painful that a little part of me was just willing to forget it to pretend it never happened... perhaps in order to allow myself to move on or even have a chance at moving on, scratch that, to moving forward.

Ive come to terms with myself and I told myself I will destroy the bad, bad memories and make them as bleak as possible and to just hang on to the good ones. The good, good feelings, the surprises, the unexpecteds and everything to sugarcoat everything, atleast in my memory. Don’t get me wrong...I still hope... that one day I will be able to drive to the beach, let go of a balloon and just cry it all out and finally say goodbye. But I told myself that the balloon must contain a lot of things I want to tell him because literally it shall be my release. I havent done it cos like what I said I havent been writing lately and Ive been forcing myself to just think of the good ones. But one day I will...

100 days and not celebrating

One of his korean friends told me, that koreans, instead of our way of the 40 days after someone’s passing on, they do it after 100 days.

A hundred days…

The longest time we didnt talk since I knew him was 2 months… rough months. And now… it’s been more than that.

I still cry… I dont think that will ever stop. I cry when I’m alone, when I’m in the shower… or somewhere no one can see me… or hear me. And today, as if someone up there knows I’ve been trying to keep it together for awhile now, that I will breakdown today, today I am left alone at home. I cry alone… not because I dont want everyone around me when I do… I cry alone cos when I do… I cry… with sobs… I wail… I call for him. It’s ironic how I would usually pacify a crying child… I usually just brush off crying and tell them to say bye-bye tears. I wish I could tell that myself sometimes… those crying times. Cos when I start… it’s always hard to stop.

I miss him terribly… just read a friend’s reply telling me to just talk to him. It’s probably something I would have told someone after I lost dad, keep on talking to them cos theyre around. And now… how come it feels so sad… knowing he’s around but I cant talk to him, that I can’t hear him, that I cant even find out how he is. It’s not as comforting as how I thought it be.

I go on everyday asking… why did he leave me. They say it best… u dont get over that lonely feeling, u just get used to it.

I dont think I have fully realized everything, that he’s gone… and everyday is a painful reminder, a painful realization that he is. It’s like being awake to a nightmare, only to realize it is a nightmare. I wake up everyday with a reminder of you, of what I lost, and what it feels like loosing you.

They say everything happens for a reason, that our life comes in full circle. How come I feel so lost. There’s a lot of uncertainties… but more than the uncertainties… it’s the feeling of til when. Til when will I be wandering around uncertain. How long til I know the reason behind this, if there is such.

No more pains. That, I always keep on mind. He’s no longer bound by the physical restrictions of this life. There’s no cancer in heaven.

I want you to be happy… that’s the only reason I go on everyday. I dont want u to keep on being hurt, just cos im hurting. I dont want u to feel pain just cause im in pain. And no matter how selfish I am wanting u near, I dont want u to not move on just cos im holding on.

I’m scared… the song asks, “would u know my name, if I saw u in heaven?”. If there’s one request from me before you go, please, please, please, dont forget me even in heaven.

Everyone just please say a prayer or two for Mark today.

S3cr3t k33p3r… REALLY NOW?!

I got an itch. Something that has to do with telling someone something, but obviously I can’t. … I stumbled upon some INTERESTING news-ish secret-ish ISH recently… and dang! Now that I know it… I dont know if I really did want to know about it… or maybe it shouldve remain a secret.

Thing is, maybe I am talking about things now since it does not directly involve me. Well to be honest, I’m no major role player in this ish. To be honest, if this was a maalala mo kaya episode, I dont think I’d even deserve to have a character in the story. Wahahaha.

But see I’m a gurl… and gurls are expected to be inquisitive. Eeerrr intregeras! Wahahahaha

I take a look at my very colorful life and as I think about it I realize… I happen to have a handful of secrets. To be fair, I think I have kept mum about a handful of them. BUT!!! To be honest, really I think the secrets remain secrets BECAUSE I FORGET ABOUT THEM.! SO IT JUST MEANS that when I do remember the secret, I tend to blurt it out right away. Hahahaha. Like someone who had amnesia getting their memory back for the first time. Wahahaha. On the other hand, u know when the secret is so fresh, I tend to be restless about it. And so! I do squeal about the secret. BUT! I squeal about them in different sets of friends. Let’s say a HS barkada tells me something, I tend to share it to my college barkada, get it? Wahahaha. So really, I dont keep the secret.

Here’s the point of this… I just recently found out a secret. And ive been constantly surrounded by peeps from the group I should keep the secret from and IT’S HAAARRRDDDD!!!!

I hope I forget about this already. I wish I forget about it already. I wish I wish I wish!!! Secret don’t follow me!

MAY 9, 2004 (if you have time, please read this)

Was the day that Mark and I officially (how showbiz) got together. I remember to this day the feeling, it was a very, very good day. Such wonderful feelings. … one of the best days of this lifetime. It was one of those days when the cheesiest of all the cheesiness was following me around. I remember butterflies everywhere, in my stomach, around me, in my thoughts, and in my dreams. Such good feelings and such good memories of being (ready?… ) INLOVE!

Admittedly, I have stopped retelling people of everything that’s been going on. After the first year, the first break up… after sharing to everybody all the firsts. I just felt that our love story was losing its flo and it was time for me to shut up about it. It was starting to be a relationship, with all the twists and turns, and all the hoolabaloos.

Amidst all the fights and all the drama, we are still together. (with or without all the break-ups in between) He is my person. Now, then, and ever since…

I know this may come out of the blue but I am again sharing because I will ask all of you a favor or two. Just recently, I found out that he, my person--- Mark, has cancer. Colon cancer. For a while I have been trying to brave through everything with just our family’s support. Just like in the case when it was with dad, I find it hard to confide in everybody about serious, sensitive matters like this. If you know me, you’d know that I believe so much in that notion of baka maudlot. I guess I kept on putting that on my head and that had made me to just really stop talking… and now I realize, ano ba ang mauudlot?.

It took me a lot of strength to confide in my family, about him and about everything. And it is taking me that same strength now to put everything in words. Yet, I am a person of our generation and I do believe in the power of internet. And of prayers. And so I am asking everyone, close to me and him, and everyone else who will come across my page, to please pray for Mark and his recovery. Consider me an american idol ala jasmine trias asking all filipinos and everyone else to vote for her to be the idol. But this is a little different, there’s no text votes or anything, I am just asking for a little time each day that you include him in your prayers.

In times like this, I know that not everyone could not be with us, but I do believe that through all your prayers, you all make your presences FELT. Thank you very much everyone.

2212 Friends

No matter how drunk, wasted, all sweaty and danced out or anything else, we clean up. Whether it’s a house party or we’re crashing someone’s room, count on my friends to practice CLAY GO- Clean As You Go. It’s as if we were raised living on American fast food, imagine drunk gurls cleaning up after their mess, picking up every bottle, can, or cap, and even the suka-supots to stack them in the nearest garbage.

We are each others’ boyfriends. We all went to an exclusive, ALL-GIRL, CATHOLIC school. So you can just imagine that for the longest time we had each others’ backs. We look out for each other, we were all inseparable. We can stay all day together at school, talk on the phone afterwards, and then to top it all spend weekends together.



We all understand each other’s body language and will GET what each LOOK means. Down to the . or !

We are all GROWING up with each other. Growing not just physically or in numbers, but age-ing all together. We don’t constantly need to be around each other, but we know that no matter what time zones (whether in Manila or out… of Manila… or out there somewhere?!) we are all in each other’s radars for times of comforts and companionship.



We all GO together. The only question is when, what time (what country and who’s time are we following?) , and we’re there. We may not all jump on the cliff but count on all of us to be there before, during, and, after the fall.

We are each other’s assassinator. What did he do? What do you want us to do about it? Where does he hang out? Is this his car? Is that the girl?.. And more importantly, is that his place?

We have our own support group. Ok, is that him? … do you love him? Does he make you happy? Do we see that he makes you happy?… Ok fine, welcome to the family. BUT! Is that him?! Do you love him?.. Hmm… Does he make you happy? … Uh-huh… Do WE see that HE MAKES you happy?… Ahhh… ok until when do we have to put up with this?

There’s only 2 ways we know how to go about a problem… Eat? Drink? Or all of the above? :D



We won’t back down on a dare. Butchi anyone? Blowing bubbles? Fries on the stage? Birthday corner (!!!)

We’re very sorry but if you happen to catch a movie and you see us there, for your own sake, please try to understand that it will be best for you to catch the next screening. Please consider this a warning.

We are each other’s pimp! That skirt is too short, that blouse appears too sweet, your make-up should be bonggang bongga! OR! Do you have the number? O anong problema? … May girlfriend ba?… Ah ganon ba... Eh girlfriend lang pala di pa kasal! Ha-ha.

Conspiracy theory is a term custom-made for us. Huh? Do I know them? Do I know you? Are you talking to me? Nasan ako?!

If we had it our way, we all would have been married to ball players... that is if loyalty and stalkerbility counts as wifeable material to them.

We are each other’s Confucius. Wisdom was not only of a junior year’s section but it’s something that we take seriously... Seriously, you’re eating too much. Seriously, you’re not eating. Seriously, it’s time you look into a mirror, let’s go shopping!

We put life on the words Smile for picture.

Stories are never repetitive, cos every chikka session elicits a whole new round of stories and laughter. Remember G double O D good? How about our science-lab-turned-classroom-days? Or what about Super blag? K Kids? Or who was that kid that pooped in his pants and thus the infamous nickname?

Count on our own families (as in our moms, dads, brothers, and sisters) to know all of us by face and sometimes (if your lucky) by names. And if you catch them on a good day, you always get the question… tan dan dan dan… Do you have a boyfriend na?



A spat is a spat is a spat.. And just like a red SSSSPAT of a pen on a clean sheet of paper, you can always just fix it with a liquid paper (it may come in brush strokes or tape form). Or if you shake it like a polaroid picture, it will eventually go away and a beautiful picture will eventually be where it should be. A groups of friends all growing together and still finding each other amid life’s hang-ups.



We all share fond childhood, ICAM memories together. Batibot? The numerous chaperoned, wholesome excursions… and the infamous, meeting/ lova-palooza at the back of the classroom with our respective young love sweetheart partners.



We come in groups and we battle in troops. May it be an ex-boyfriend/ ex-fling/ ex-boilette slash the enemy war. Or a life-altering this-is-what-life’s-all-about event, we are there. Maybe lately less in numbers, but in spirit, we are there like gamo-gamos around a bright light bulb on a hot summer night.



Once you’re in, you can never can go out! Take a pick JF2? GASP? Or GM (wherever they may be)?

baking 101

It’s been a loong while since I last baked. Back at NY I used to bake in the winter nights because the heat from the oven was always something to look forward to when it’s snowing and breezy outside. I also had my two eager nieces then, jules and nina, to cheer me on and to “help” me, no matter what the outcome will be. But even then, we always just use to bake those batters from the grocery. You see here, there’s about a handful of those ready to bake batters. From brownies, to croissants, to biscuits, and ofcourse the ever so famous cookie dough. It seems like in here, everything is just ready and baking really meant that you have an oven at home.

Back at home, I used to bake when I have the blues. Baking and shoe shopping has always been a cure to chase those blues away. And since im anticipating a good thanksgiving sale this year, I am holding on to my shopping sprees and just settled to bake tonight.

And now! I have not been baking because a) I dont have my eager pamangkins here who will for sure be great fans of whatever I come up with. (Heck! Sometimes even with just the batter alone they are fine with that already!) b) I dont have my PG friends, who will always love me and my cookies no matter what and! c) I dont have LIINNNAAA here, so that means I do the baking and the cleaning up afterwards. Yep, all three put together, it’s all a no, no, and no thank you!

But since, I think WORK, family, and all those personal craps calls for it, I decided to use up the remaining of my weekend to bake just cause I dont want to do things I might regret later on… like buying something I dont need (ha! What did u think!)

Now, my horoscope said I should try something that’s unknown to me because then they will not turn out to be… drumroll please, known! (onga naman!) And so, taking inspiration from that, I tried on a new recipe. I decided on triple chocolate muffins! You see the hardest part about baking for me is the waiting part. Nevermind that we dint have an electric beater and that the hand beater that I used bailed out on me midway through the whole mixing process… what’s really the hardest part is those 15 or so minutes that you wait for the oven to do the miracle on your masterpiece.

So here goes batch 1.

Well I told you already, Jam kept on calling them brownies. I personally think (which ate ting agrees on) they looked like a ghetto version of kababayans.

Well batch 2 is a lil bit better, maybe because I dressed them up this time.

Don’t be fooled. It’s good! Hahaha ofcourse, id say that!

for the 1st time

I was sitting with Boogie today waiting for my brother’s 5:50 train. As I pulled on an empty spot I instantly spotted an anxious family as if wanting to pickup someone from an airport. Daddy leading the trail, seemingly very, very eager, mommy in tow, and then the front seat girls. All of them looking like a happy family, excited to see someone. For a while, they were off my eyes as they walked near the train tracks and I sat with Boogie. Like usual, as soon as I hear the train from afar I rush to get a closer spot near the track.

That’s when I instantly spotted the family again, all looking like restless dogs eager to get their treat. They were a nice sight in the midst of rushing yuppies and corporate peoples. And there I was thinking, they sure are excited because I was betting on them picking up someone from the San Diego train and it wasn’t there yet! But sure enough, Daddy started pointing from the other side. I follow their line of sight immediately to a gap on the train with people pouring out. I got it wrong, maybe they are waiting for someone from the same train as my brother. Daddy still being the leader that he was was in front of the pack, checking on schedules, looking around, walking around. He was very excited, very eager. They did divide and conquer, mommy went for the stairs, the sisters stayed looking on to the other side, and daddy in the middle as if getting ready for their mystery pick up person to appear from anywhere.

I missed to spot my brother as I was busy watching the family. And soon enough, their mystery pickup person appear from the crowd going the stairs. He was not hard to miss as you see his cheering squad from downstairs all beaming happy, waving proudly at him. I see a boy, looking like my brother, clad in office clothes, nothing special yet unique because of his loving family. I see their dad staying where he was standing as everyone rushed to greet the not-so-mystery pickup person. Mommy and sisters gave him hugs all gushing on him like he was a movie star (I double checked, no he’s not). And dad acting cool for a while (so typical, as if he wasn’t as excited as everyone!!!) and then gave him a hug and that nice father-son pat. Something I’ve always witness my dad do to my brothers.

My brother walked in in the middle of me being mesmerized with the family, with their daddy most especially. My kuya asks me who was there I reply no one I know as I wipe off a tear and zone back to life.

Amidst my long story, I realize right then and there one thing. I was jealous. For the first time in my adult life I realize something is missing in my life. Something I outright feel bad over not having. It’s not something tangible, not something attainable, not a toy, not a treat, not anything. I felt jealous, and I felt bad over not having a dad. Over not having MY dad.

Damn I miss my dad, so much.

SUMMER 08

I went with the flow and was bullied into watching a concert feeling half baked over it. Why? 1. I really dint like the guy that much, 2. Tickets seemed a bit overprice for him.

BUT!

I was surprise as soon as the lights were off and out came this guy…



HE WAS HOT. And F’in-ly AWESOME. He played the whole night switching between A LOT (well I really couldnt keep up with how many exactly) of guitars and oh! Singing also ofcourse!



Except for that little detail that he makes those really disturbing facial expressions the whole time he was playing, he was really, surprisingly AMAZING! He was a rock star and I dint even know it til then. I mean yeah I liked him after his first album, but he always just struck me as the guy you play on your car when your on the road but you dont really CRASH on him.

Well I dint go home that night CRASHING on him… well almost, especially on the part he took his top off and showed his bad ass body with matching tattoos!

I dint know he was A BAD BOY! Ha-ha!


And then...

I went to see this guy.



DAMN. I. Was. Disappointed. Except for rocking an all white outfit and his first few songs, then that’s it.



I went home boo-hooed! ONE WORD MAROON 5… Nothing Lasts Forever!!!

9/11

Things I miss.. SO MUCH!

1. I miss our AH di da tax tora days.
***Translation: it’s our way of soliciting piso coins from my dad before he leaves the house for work. Imagine me and my brother clad in our jammies following my dad from out of his room to the garage and just singing that. My dad was a tax guy so go figure why we used that term.
2. I miss it when someone gets the BIG talk. Or AKA, it’s when someone’s in trouble, and no matter what happens, dad almost always finds out right away no matter how big or small it is. And no matter how hard you try on pretending to be sleeping or busy with “school work” as soon as you hear dad’s car at the garage you better pray SMB is playing so you won’t get a whole night of TALK. And if you happen to be downstairs still and dad already “SUMMONED” the person in trouble, you better be running for your dear unless you want to have the extended version of the talk.
3. I miss our Sunday jollibee bfasts.
4. I miss going to church with the whole family.
5. I miss seeing my mom glow every after the peace be with you part because he gets a kiss and we dont!
6. I miss seeing mom happy because of just your presence.
7. I miss having to defend a month’s allowance and extracurricular fees just because your an accountant.
8. I miss how you tap your lap every after we pray the rosary and we sing Give Thanks.
9. I miss fighting over the sports section of the paper every morning.
10. I miss curfews and strict overly protected rules.
11. I miss our usual current events conversations because I learn A LOT MORE about it from you than anyone else.
12. I miss celebrating our birthdays together.
13. I miss all of your out of the blue pasalubongs that are well thought of and customized for each and every person in the family. All 12 of us, you get our type and likes to the last detail.
14. I miss your superly organized closet next to mom’s overflowing one.
15. I miss having a hard time going out or asking permission if I can or can not go.
16. I miss monitored and prescreened phone calls.
17. I miss watching PBA by your side.
18. I miss having ice cream for dessert just cos everyone’s at home or SMB won a game!
19. I miss getting a compliment over an aced exam… BEST EVER.
20. I miss family time, getting together to have a talk, to know what’s going on, to find out what the family is going through. To find solutions to have everything out in the open, just because we are a family.
21. I miss the thought that youre around and you always have the solutions and the answers.
22. I miss seeing you waiting at home after a nightout and til everyone’s safely at home.
23. I miss our annual christmas family portraits with everybody, with you most especially.
24. I miss spending christmas, birthdays, graduations, and all other occasions with you around.

9/11 will always be a marked date in everyone’s calendars because of the whole twin towers fiasco. But in my family, it will always be a big day for us because it is our daddy’s birthday.

We miss you dad dearly, now more than ever as we are going through some bumps on the road. I ask, like always, that everyone pray for my dad. And please, please, skip a

Silv25r

I started today with the littlest of expectations. I am (STILL!) after all celebrating the silver anniversary of that F’ful day when dear Carolina popped out daughter # 11. The day happen to fall on a Sunday so it is just a fitting day for the theme of the year. Going low key. Celebrating with family. A day for prayer and best of all… no work. Ha-ha!

Over the surprises, the drunk-ass nights, or the usual dance marathons that I have been used to celebrating this day with, I had different plans on mind. Well more like, I only planned on doing one thing for today. And that is to celebrate today because I am turning two five.

You ever wake up on your birthday and you just feel everyone’s eye on you? Or you feel that different-ish aura like your semi-floating and excited and just light. That youre just floating around… I feel that every year on my birthday. In fact, I remember there were birthdays when I dint like that feeling that much. I used to hate it when everyone sings happy birthday to you in class. I make a big deal out of my OWN birthday, but when other people make a big deal of it… I feel a bit uneasy to be honest.

This year, I am no longer the brat. Im no longer playing it’s-my-birthday-and-I’ll-cry-if-I-want-to. I’m no longer pushing everyone out of the house just so I can have my friends to mess up the house. I’m no longer batting out birthday gift requests to my brothers and sisters. 25 means a clean slate. I remember I was in 3rd grade when my parents celebrated their silver anniversary wedding. And now, I am celebrating my own silver anniversary with just myself. Because this is me, myself, and I’s anniversary.

Clean slate doesnt mean I forget about everyone who’s been with me through all my 24 F’in years that I survived me. But just for this one day, I am just celebrating with myself because I FEEL like it.

*** But for everyone who poured me with drama-ish greetings and by just merely REMEMBERING that September 7 is justine day… YOU ROCK! And you made me feel very very loved. :)



Photo aka: the gang chowing on last minute bupet! Kudos also to my ever reliable sister -in-LOW for taking the pic!

9. 123 days... HUWUDAPTOT

There’s a cloud following me, bothering me at times and I can only blame September 7 for it. Damdatday!

OFW life (ofw, ocw, a&w, immigrant, hugh grant… who kers? It’s all the same banana!) translates to a non-existent life. You try to blend in as much as you can. You go with the flow til u loose ur mo’ flow. Basta you live just to live… so a birthday is just an ordinary day. Heck! At this part of the world, some people go to work on December 24… so what’s the deal huh! They dint invent scrooge or grinch here for nothing!

But like what I said, it has been bothering me, ONLY AT TIMES. I am fighting it. Really, really. Like right now, I’m half half, part of me is used to it already, part of me is sad. 

But I’m thinking… this year, I’m proclaiming all drama this early so that my day will be drama-free. 

I’ll start my drama mode on full blast now. Here goes…

This year is when I turn 25… who would’ve thought. Yeah the year of my WHO-WOULD-VE-THOUGHTS! 

Who would’ve thought... I’d still be here by now. Here as in here here location, and here here as in on earth. I’m ancient.

Who would’ve thought… I’d get a blue McBugie. Named after Bugay and Mc for MaCho.     And yes, it is blue… darkish, navyish, and sometimes greyish (thanks to the dust it accumulates from a nightly sprinkler wash) blue. 

Who would’ve thought… I’d be reaching places this early. WOOHOOO. 5, 55, 405… I’ve conquered them all, and more to come! Hahahaha

Who would’ve thought… I’d be celebrating 25 this way. Good or bad, who knows… we shall see.

Who would’ve thought… I’d still be hanging on til now. Who, what, why, when, where… COME ON BABY DO THE LOCOMOTION… 

When people go drama, they don’t make sense. So I dont blame you if you dont get this at all. Basta para saken, ito ay isang malaking drama. 

On some few days before my birthday… I really don’t know but there’s this feeling chasing me. I dont know whether to blame it on birthday jitters or for something else. But the feeling goes like this.

I feel different. I feel like something is BOUND to happen but I feel it from within me. I smell FREEDOM and feel something cooking up… SOMETHING ABOUT TO START. A part of me is looking forward but a part of me feels tied down. This is a new feeling, havent felt this in a while… and a big part of me is winning on holding on to that feeling. I feel like this is the beginning of the start of endings. I can’t describe it but whenever I say those words, it just describes how I feel. (no matter how redundant it may sound)

I feel it, but I don’t know how I should feel about it. I’m scared yet proud of myself. I’m sad yet looking forward to it. I’m waiting but I know that it shall end. 

I know the answer… I’m going bi-polar! Ha. Ha. Ha.

Who would’ve thought… I’d turn MAADD on 25. 

2nd chances...

I thought I saw my dad this morning. it was a surreal experience. I dint quite know whether to be happy about it or to be scared. to say that it was unexpected would be an understatement. it is a million times more than that.



It was a final destination experience. A truck suddenly just appears out of nowhere and comes rushing to crash into ours. It was 4D at its worst.


I am very thankful that me and my brother made it through this morning, unscratched and unharmed. There's a buzzing sound on my right ear that would not completely go away, it's as if to remind me that I made it through and that I'm still alive.



You know how people who's been through trauma and drama keeps on saying that every second counts and we have to make the most of everything cos we never know when it will be our last. This morning was a first hand experience of all that, and it really dint feel good. No BS... just make every moment count.


I was scared ... shocked... and maybe even traumatized. Sh*t happens... and thank God we made it.

mom's 60 plus plus plus (??)

my mom breezed through her MEGA (imagine 150 ++++ guests BUT!!! just in our home!) birthday celebration through her annual mom/lola summer trip here. and oh yes she survived through HK airport all by herself, mind you minus flight delays this time! and so we are very proud of her, a few more trips like that and we'd be ready to send her to go dora dora around the globe!

we were all looking forward to her trip and it was just the right time after our moved. and so, on her first weekend here, we decided that it's time that we open our new home to a handful of our relatives here and also celebrate mom's birthday. yes people, we have finally emptied out all the boxes, bought every single furniture and appliance that we need, and we have officially moved. oh yes, update your records my friends!

true to tradition, we let the bday celebrant cook for her bday. hahaha. well it also helped that a handful of our beloved suh-weeeet smelling fishes were smuggled successfully here from the philippines, and so with that in hand, we just had a few more to prepare. well make it, they had a few more to prepare.



it was a fun party and a gathering of all sorts. it's nice to finally just relax and eat at home... and then, as soon as we ushered the guests out (as we only committed to opening our house and the kitchen for lunch u know), we were ready for the real par-tei. videoke nights and jell-oh shots, bring them out!





now we sang the night away... but chase, our dear lil one learned or maybe invented a new trick. it was a videoke night but to him it was his "ingay" night. we teach this kid so many neat stuffs, like high five or gigil and our latest waving "para"... but this one, is self-learned.



and after a few songs, he just couldnt stop doing it!!!





it's just good to be around family!

It's my life.

I've always wondered (and partly scared) if I would live my life as momentous as how I hope it be. Or maybe as moment-full compared to those whose lives I follow.

My dad used to work his ass off just to go to school. Aside from that, he used to wash his uncles' cars in order to have a wee bit of money in order to survive living in the metro. On school days, he would go see his uncle to wash his car. But instead of doing it at home, he used to wait for him early in the morning by his uncle's workplace parking lot which happened to be across his university. And as if that's not enough, his dear uncle would not ask him to wash the car early in the morning, he'd make sure he'd avoid my dad in the morning and would let him wait around there the whole morning and just come out for lunch. Right when everyone's outside and in the scorching heat.

My mom on the other hand stayed in the province, not a simple life though. Yeah she stayed where her family was but no... she lived in another aunt's place, away from her mom and dad and away from her brothers and sisters. She lived under a tyrant's wing, waking up early in the morning to sell through different barrios on barefoot armed with her basketful of rice cakes. And afterwards, she was expected to go to school and ace everything cos she was after all lucky.


I was raised amongst humbling stories that will surely whack all the spoiled-ness in anyone.

Stories of hardships at home, stories of adjustments away from home, stories of tragedies, of angst, and a lot of hardships. Different stories, different faces, different times and eras... some may change through time, others just may vary, but if you look at it closely, most of them are just one and the same. They hurt and leave lasting effects on us... hurtful feelings that lasts from generation to generation.

I have been out of the loop for the past few months. Some partly because of chance or by choice. I am going through a lot right now. But there are good days... and the best of it all is that I am still getting by, and surrounded by family.

I use to wonder if I'd ever have humbling stories in life that I'll be able to share to my children and their children. I use to wonder and at the same time thank God because I lived a blessed life without much hardships. Yet now, I know life is happening and I am embracing them. I am thankful for these hardships because in a way I know I was waiting for them.

Life is happening now... and I am living my story.

Halloween 2007

Boo!


Well make it BOOred!


In the Philippines, it’s only just now that people are starting to recognize this occasion. So yes, I admit it, we were deprived of nice fancy costumes and don’t forget that extra kick of candy splurgin’ toothaches! Hands down this holiday would’ve just been about souls and saints.

But not here!




Well you have to give it to my littlest bro... I guess he’s the most deprived of us all! Next to him, our costumes looked OH SO NORMAL!



At the end of the day... i still wished I was home! I miss all of my nieces' and nephews' in-(lola's)house halloween party!!!

But for now, I guess we just have to wait until our little one grows up.


pic aka JO-LIBAG, Cowgurrl, REVran, Barbie gurl (china recall version), and black angel/student cross dresser.

1ndependence

Pagod na ko. Pagod na ko nang walang ginagawa.

I’ve heard some people say that to them reading a book is a waste. A waste of time. Why? Cause life can be happening elsewhere while you are at your bed reading instead of living what could be written. True? I don’t know.

PERSONALLY. You want to know what I think is a waste? It’s doing nothing in nothingness and choosing to stay in nothing land pretending to do nothing for nothing. Simply put. WALA.

HAH. Kailangan kong huminga.

I am currently facing a dilemma. A dilemma that shouldn’t be one. I was ecstatic just some days ago. AS IN FINALLY!!!! There seems to be light... or atleast something worth it. Basta may SOMETHING!

And then in 1... 2... 3... KONTRA. Ang kasiyahan napalitan agad ng pag aagam-agam. At minsan ang pag aagam-agam ay nagiging sanhi ng sadyang pagkabalisa at ang pagkabalisa sa taong walang ginagawa ay madalas nagdudulot ng kalungkutan.

HAY. Isa pang mas malalim na hinga na may kasamang isang buhos ng pagmumuni muni.

Gusto ko. Gusto ko talaga. Kaya ko. Nararamdaman ko. Feeling ko. Paninindigan ko. PERO SIYEMPRE NAMAN... I need support. I need someone stable to tell me I can do it. That it’s feasible.

SURPRISINGLY, my mom said it’s ok. What’s new? My mom is my mom is my mom. If I ask her if I could fly to Iraq tomorrow she’ll give me the same answer, Kung gusto mo GO! My mom hardly, rarely says no. Although I know at the beginning she had BIG, HUGE-ASS apprehensions. Well ok, she was on the nay side instantly. Pero ngayon it’s bittersweet.

What’s more surprising? People whom I thought would atleast show support are blatantly disproving of the idea. Even giving me facts and statistics, why they are going against it.

ARGH! I get them ok. Hinga pa ko ule.

I don’t blame them for thinking otherwise because, come on! Everyone knows, I’ve been the baby for the longest time. Pampered, sheltered, always protected. Is it my fault? No. Is it my family’s fault? No. That’s just how it is.

But for me, since an opportunity is available, I want to try it. It’s to prove them if they are right or if I can prove them wrong. More importantly, I want to, NEED TO prove it to myself... na kaya ko!

Believe me! I get you. Natatakot din ako.

Pero mas nakakatakot kung hindi ko gawin to ngayon. Lalong lalo na ngayon dahil baka kung di ko to magawa ngayon, kelan pa?

photo aka: My sister's artwork.

Number 1 or Number 2

I have been constantly and fervently (whatever that means), no seriously, praying (!!!) for the good Lord to answer my prayers.

I have faith.

But I know sometimes my actions seem to lack of it.

And so I gave up... and just entrusted him with everything. No more planning me, no more visions of hopes and dreams.

Ended my wishful thinkings.

Stop daydreaming!

I let go. ... and no doubt been living with that decision. (Or maybe not?... not really.)

There are things that are just supposed to be left... left!

I accepted that things are meant to be out of my hands. And I have to stop trying to control them.

Touche.



And so now. He did answer. Or atleast gave a preview of it.

Just as I was trying to settle to the idea of a Number 2 option... I think Number 1 is just around the corner.

I am excited. ... But a little bit overwhelmed.

Should I stay or should I go? ( Sing with Parokya now...Bakit ang panget panget mow?)

A question I may (should) have the answer... but maybe a bit apprehensive to do so.

Once I take the plunge, I know I shall be in for a dive of my life! .... Yay!



LET'S GO INTERACTIVE:

I know I have about a handful (well I can count them with my post-new year-fireworks-fingers) readers and so I need all of you to comment.

Pick a number 1 or 2.

No questions, no judgements.

Further details: Available upon request. (truth and time will tell- Justin Bobby)

Photo aka: Spot the difference.

15 hours away from home.

Jetlagging is a state of mind. PERSONALLY. It’s never about time difference. Oh yes I am back, and yes, this is not said with enthusiasm but with sarcasm. Why did I go back? I do not know. I have mentioned it would have been utterly stupid to return before my birthday. And now here I am a few months or so away from Christmas... I have got to be kidding myself right. No just being dumb. TOTALLY IDIOTIC DUMB. Who leaves home and returns jobless to a dreaded place? I can now see my audience flashing the L sign on top of their foreheads. Come on baby do the locomtion...

The past couple of years I have been living n leaving, simply put, been surviving a nomadic life. What does that mean? I really don’t know! But let me try... I’ve been to several places in a span of 2 years. Was living at home one day then next thing I know I was leaving, shipped somewhere far, very very far. 18 hours away to be exact. Was I forced? or was it a choice? As I am the mother of contradictions... I think it's the latter.

FREEDOM. INDEPENDENCE. Oh such nice words but how nice are they in real life? PERSONALLY. Living halfway away from home, IT IS NOT WHAT I DREAMED IT TO BE. But then again, I have yet to move out move out. It’s a premature moving out, because maybe I did move out from home (VOLUNTARILY OR INVOLUNTARILY), but truth be told, I have always been living at sister’s or brother’s extra bedroom. In pinoy terms, brother’s or sister’s bed spacer, extended family at its best.

It is not a Filipino thing to move out. But zooming back, as a little gurl I was dreaming of moving out since I first got my first no-you-may-not-go-out-tonight from my parents. I planned it with friends, even set out a deadline, year 2005. Oh those were the days. Then I dreamed about it with someone, now that was promising! ... Oh moving on!

I was raised pinoy style aka very dependent... to my family, my friends, and even to our helps at home. Back at home I grew up thinking that we never have to eat, watch a movie, or anything that involves sitting down in public for more than 30mins ALONE. It made sense because you always have friends to meet up with, you always have family to go with you, or worst, you can always ask a help to go with you.

That’s what I thought, and look what it did to me now! HA HA HA.

Zoomed back to life, PRESENT ONE. When you’re somewhat forced to start from scratch in terms of family or friends aka a life, you just have to cut that crap! When the only family living close-by are but a handful or so, and when you can merely count old, old distant friends or consider colleagues as the friends... then kid! it’s time to embrace your lonesome independence.

As for me, yes I am learning SLOWLY. As I congratulate myself for being able to pull through writing this piece in my lonesome in a coffee shop as I wait for the bus to arrive. WOOT WOOT. This is a feat! A new beginning? Oh I hope so! Baby steps... no make that baby ants’ steps. Or maybe a tiny earthworm crawling through... crawling through people, crawling through! Hopefully soon really crawling on my own.

Naka-1 din SA WAKAS!

Ang mundo sadyang nakapagtataka... gaya na lang ng tuwing may Lasalle-Ateneo.

Napapansin ko kadalasan ang mga taong manunuod sa laro ay dumadating ng batalya-batalyon (they come in troops) na waring nagmamarcha sa iisang patutunguhan. Makikita mo sa daan, sa lrt, sa mrt, at lalong lalo na sa kalapit na Mall ng Araneta. Siguro sa pagpatak pa lang ng alas-8 ang mga tao simula nang dumadagsa sa Cubao at kadalasan ang karamihan sa kanila ay namamalagi na lang malapit dito dahi sa pag-aabang ng laro. Makikita mo, para silang mga langgam, nagtutumpok tumpok at sunud-sunod, kadalasan lageng umaandar, gumagalaw, o di kaya'y nag-aantayan. Dalawang grupo ng mga langgam---ang iba nakaberde ang iba naka asul.

Bigla ka na lang tuloy mapapaisip? San galing itong mga taong to?!

Noong ako ay estudyante pa, sa tuwing may laban at may klase kame... nong unang taon namin (o noong kame ay tinatawag pang frosh), kadalasan ang mga klase isinususpende upang kame ay makapanuod. Lalo na dahil noong taon yon ay ang huling taon ni Ren-Ren Ritualo, bidang bida yata kame non. Pero sa mga susunod na taon, wala na! Kanya-kanya nang diskarte ito. Madalas sigurado cut na, o di kaya papasok ka lang para sa attendance pagkatapos non kunwari magbabanyo ka tos mag-iiwan lang ang isang libro o kaya ang buong bag mo sa silya mo, pagkalabas ng kwarto, ayon laya na. Gaya nga ng ginagawa ko non, No looking back na, dire-diretso lang. Isipin mo na lang for the school spirit. Malas na lang pag biglaan pa lang may exam o kung ano man. Pero kadalasan naman, kung wala talagang choice, may big screen naman sa canteen na pwede mo na lang silip-silipin habang nagklaklase ka. Yon nga lang, Baduy!

Ngayon naman na nagtratrabaho na ako (diumano), sadya kong naiisip. May mga tao kayang inilalagay yon sa mga saktong hinihiling nila bago pumirma ng kontrata sa isang kompanya na kapag huwebes at may laro ang Lasalle, lalo na kung ang kalaban ay Ateneo ay pihadong Half-day na sila o kaya ay on-leave na??? Madalas kase ang mga taong nakakasalimuha ko sa mga laro ay yaong mga pare-pareho din namang mga tao na nakasabayan ko pa din noong nag-aaral ako. (Subalit inaamin ko, talagang mabibilang na lamang kameng nagkikita kita sapagkat kadalasan ay yaong mga totoy at nene na mga estudyante na ang kasabayan namin!) O kagaya lang din ba ang karamihan sa aking sitwasyon?


Ganto ang simula... payapa at kalma. Lamang kase sila!


Ang mundo ng UAAP...

Akala ko babalik na ko sa aking dating buhay nang bigo. Sa season 70, nakakapanuod na ako ng 3 laro, at don sa lahat ng yoon, ni hindi man lang ako nakakanta ng aming alma mater song. In short, lageng talo! Mga panget na talo pa. Kulang na lang umuwi na ko kapag 4th quarter na, dahil kadalasan ang talo namin o ang mga kamalasan ay dumadagsa sa period na ito. Hay buhay....



Sa huli, ito ay isa lamang laro...

May natatalo, may nananalo at may pinapanigan ng buenas. ... at mayroon din namang ipinagkakaloob talaga.


Ito ang dahilan kung bakit mas masarap manuod ng gumagalaw (LIVE!), maingay na libre pa sumigaw at may bonus pang lobo!

Sa aming paboritong kalaban, isa lang ang aking nakabiting tanong... Hindi ba malungkot noong nawala kame?

Ang akin lang... masaya na ako nang makapanuod nang kahit na anong laban, yon lang makapanuod ng 3 laban, kahit puro talo OK na talaga. Pihado ganon din naman ang karamihan sa amin, basta masabi lang na naglalaro na ule OK na! Pero kagaya nga ng buhay, natural mente masarap din namang makatikim nang MAS OK pa!