One of his korean friends told me, that koreans, instead of our way of the 40 days after someone’s passing on, they do it after 100 days.
A hundred days…
The longest time we didnt talk since I knew him was 2 months… rough months. And now… it’s been more than that.
I still cry… I dont think that will ever stop. I cry when I’m alone, when I’m in the shower… or somewhere no one can see me… or hear me. And today, as if someone up there knows I’ve been trying to keep it together for awhile now, that I will breakdown today, today I am left alone at home. I cry alone… not because I dont want everyone around me when I do… I cry alone cos when I do… I cry… with sobs… I wail… I call for him. It’s ironic how I would usually pacify a crying child… I usually just brush off crying and tell them to say bye-bye tears. I wish I could tell that myself sometimes… those crying times. Cos when I start… it’s always hard to stop.
I miss him terribly… just read a friend’s reply telling me to just talk to him. It’s probably something I would have told someone after I lost dad, keep on talking to them cos theyre around. And now… how come it feels so sad… knowing he’s around but I cant talk to him, that I can’t hear him, that I cant even find out how he is. It’s not as comforting as how I thought it be.
I go on everyday asking… why did he leave me. They say it best… u dont get over that lonely feeling, u just get used to it.
I dont think I have fully realized everything, that he’s gone… and everyday is a painful reminder, a painful realization that he is. It’s like being awake to a nightmare, only to realize it is a nightmare. I wake up everyday with a reminder of you, of what I lost, and what it feels like loosing you.
They say everything happens for a reason, that our life comes in full circle. How come I feel so lost. There’s a lot of uncertainties… but more than the uncertainties… it’s the feeling of til when. Til when will I be wandering around uncertain. How long til I know the reason behind this, if there is such.
No more pains. That, I always keep on mind. He’s no longer bound by the physical restrictions of this life. There’s no cancer in heaven.
I want you to be happy… that’s the only reason I go on everyday. I dont want u to keep on being hurt, just cos im hurting. I dont want u to feel pain just cause im in pain. And no matter how selfish I am wanting u near, I dont want u to not move on just cos im holding on.
I’m scared… the song asks, “would u know my name, if I saw u in heaven?”. If there’s one request from me before you go, please, please, please, dont forget me even in heaven.
Everyone just please say a prayer or two for Mark today.
8.12.2009
4.28.2009
S3cr3t k33p3r… REALLY NOW?!
I got an itch. Something that has to do with telling someone something, but obviously I can’t. … I stumbled upon some INTERESTING news-ish secret-ish ISH recently… and dang! Now that I know it… I dont know if I really did want to know about it… or maybe it shouldve remain a secret.
Thing is, maybe I am talking about things now since it does not directly involve me. Well to be honest, I’m no major role player in this ish. To be honest, if this was a maalala mo kaya episode, I dont think I’d even deserve to have a character in the story. Wahahaha.
But see I’m a gurl… and gurls are expected to be inquisitive. Eeerrr intregeras! Wahahahaha
I take a look at my very colorful life and as I think about it I realize… I happen to have a handful of secrets. To be fair, I think I have kept mum about a handful of them. BUT!!! To be honest, really I think the secrets remain secrets BECAUSE I FORGET ABOUT THEM.! SO IT JUST MEANS that when I do remember the secret, I tend to blurt it out right away. Hahahaha. Like someone who had amnesia getting their memory back for the first time. Wahahaha. On the other hand, u know when the secret is so fresh, I tend to be restless about it. And so! I do squeal about the secret. BUT! I squeal about them in different sets of friends. Let’s say a HS barkada tells me something, I tend to share it to my college barkada, get it? Wahahaha. So really, I dont keep the secret.
Here’s the point of this… I just recently found out a secret. And ive been constantly surrounded by peeps from the group I should keep the secret from and IT’S HAAARRRDDDD!!!!
I hope I forget about this already. I wish I forget about it already. I wish I wish I wish!!! Secret don’t follow me!
Thing is, maybe I am talking about things now since it does not directly involve me. Well to be honest, I’m no major role player in this ish. To be honest, if this was a maalala mo kaya episode, I dont think I’d even deserve to have a character in the story. Wahahaha.
But see I’m a gurl… and gurls are expected to be inquisitive. Eeerrr intregeras! Wahahahaha
I take a look at my very colorful life and as I think about it I realize… I happen to have a handful of secrets. To be fair, I think I have kept mum about a handful of them. BUT!!! To be honest, really I think the secrets remain secrets BECAUSE I FORGET ABOUT THEM.! SO IT JUST MEANS that when I do remember the secret, I tend to blurt it out right away. Hahahaha. Like someone who had amnesia getting their memory back for the first time. Wahahaha. On the other hand, u know when the secret is so fresh, I tend to be restless about it. And so! I do squeal about the secret. BUT! I squeal about them in different sets of friends. Let’s say a HS barkada tells me something, I tend to share it to my college barkada, get it? Wahahaha. So really, I dont keep the secret.
Here’s the point of this… I just recently found out a secret. And ive been constantly surrounded by peeps from the group I should keep the secret from and IT’S HAAARRRDDDD!!!!
I hope I forget about this already. I wish I forget about it already. I wish I wish I wish!!! Secret don’t follow me!
3.11.2009
MAY 9, 2004 (if you have time, please read this)
Was the day that Mark and I officially (how showbiz) got together. I remember to this day the feeling, it was a very, very good day. Such wonderful feelings. … one of the best days of this lifetime. It was one of those days when the cheesiest of all the cheesiness was following me around. I remember butterflies everywhere, in my stomach, around me, in my thoughts, and in my dreams. Such good feelings and such good memories of being (ready?… ) INLOVE!
Admittedly, I have stopped retelling people of everything that’s been going on. After the first year, the first break up… after sharing to everybody all the firsts. I just felt that our love story was losing its flo and it was time for me to shut up about it. It was starting to be a relationship, with all the twists and turns, and all the hoolabaloos.
Amidst all the fights and all the drama, we are still together. (with or without all the break-ups in between) He is my person. Now, then, and ever since…
I know this may come out of the blue but I am again sharing because I will ask all of you a favor or two. Just recently, I found out that he, my person--- Mark, has cancer. Colon cancer. For a while I have been trying to brave through everything with just our family’s support. Just like in the case when it was with dad, I find it hard to confide in everybody about serious, sensitive matters like this. If you know me, you’d know that I believe so much in that notion of baka maudlot. I guess I kept on putting that on my head and that had made me to just really stop talking… and now I realize, ano ba ang mauudlot?.
It took me a lot of strength to confide in my family, about him and about everything. And it is taking me that same strength now to put everything in words. Yet, I am a person of our generation and I do believe in the power of internet. And of prayers. And so I am asking everyone, close to me and him, and everyone else who will come across my page, to please pray for Mark and his recovery. Consider me an american idol ala jasmine trias asking all filipinos and everyone else to vote for her to be the idol. But this is a little different, there’s no text votes or anything, I am just asking for a little time each day that you include him in your prayers.
In times like this, I know that not everyone could not be with us, but I do believe that through all your prayers, you all make your presences FELT. Thank you very much everyone.
Admittedly, I have stopped retelling people of everything that’s been going on. After the first year, the first break up… after sharing to everybody all the firsts. I just felt that our love story was losing its flo and it was time for me to shut up about it. It was starting to be a relationship, with all the twists and turns, and all the hoolabaloos.
Amidst all the fights and all the drama, we are still together. (with or without all the break-ups in between) He is my person. Now, then, and ever since…
I know this may come out of the blue but I am again sharing because I will ask all of you a favor or two. Just recently, I found out that he, my person--- Mark, has cancer. Colon cancer. For a while I have been trying to brave through everything with just our family’s support. Just like in the case when it was with dad, I find it hard to confide in everybody about serious, sensitive matters like this. If you know me, you’d know that I believe so much in that notion of baka maudlot. I guess I kept on putting that on my head and that had made me to just really stop talking… and now I realize, ano ba ang mauudlot?.
It took me a lot of strength to confide in my family, about him and about everything. And it is taking me that same strength now to put everything in words. Yet, I am a person of our generation and I do believe in the power of internet. And of prayers. And so I am asking everyone, close to me and him, and everyone else who will come across my page, to please pray for Mark and his recovery. Consider me an american idol ala jasmine trias asking all filipinos and everyone else to vote for her to be the idol. But this is a little different, there’s no text votes or anything, I am just asking for a little time each day that you include him in your prayers.
In times like this, I know that not everyone could not be with us, but I do believe that through all your prayers, you all make your presences FELT. Thank you very much everyone.
1.05.2009
2212 Friends
No matter how drunk, wasted, all sweaty and danced out or anything else, we clean up. Whether it’s a house party or we’re crashing someone’s room, count on my friends to practice CLAY GO- Clean As You Go. It’s as if we were raised living on American fast food, imagine drunk gurls cleaning up after their mess, picking up every bottle, can, or cap, and even the suka-supots to stack them in the nearest garbage.
We are each others’ boyfriends. We all went to an exclusive, ALL-GIRL, CATHOLIC school. So you can just imagine that for the longest time we had each others’ backs. We look out for each other, we were all inseparable. We can stay all day together at school, talk on the phone afterwards, and then to top it all spend weekends together.
We all understand each other’s body language and will GET what each LOOK means. Down to the . or !
We are all GROWING up with each other. Growing not just physically or in numbers, but age-ing all together. We don’t constantly need to be around each other, but we know that no matter what time zones (whether in Manila or out… of Manila… or out there somewhere?!) we are all in each other’s radars for times of comforts and companionship.
We all GO together. The only question is when, what time (what country and who’s time are we following?) , and we’re there. We may not all jump on the cliff but count on all of us to be there before, during, and, after the fall.
We are each other’s assassinator. What did he do? What do you want us to do about it? Where does he hang out? Is this his car? Is that the girl?.. And more importantly, is that his place?
We have our own support group. Ok, is that him? … do you love him? Does he make you happy? Do we see that he makes you happy?… Ok fine, welcome to the family. BUT! Is that him?! Do you love him?.. Hmm… Does he make you happy? … Uh-huh… Do WE see that HE MAKES you happy?… Ahhh… ok until when do we have to put up with this?
There’s only 2 ways we know how to go about a problem… Eat? Drink? Or all of the above? :D
We won’t back down on a dare. Butchi anyone? Blowing bubbles? Fries on the stage? Birthday corner (!!!)
We’re very sorry but if you happen to catch a movie and you see us there, for your own sake, please try to understand that it will be best for you to catch the next screening. Please consider this a warning.
We are each other’s pimp! That skirt is too short, that blouse appears too sweet, your make-up should be bonggang bongga! OR! Do you have the number? O anong problema? … May girlfriend ba?… Ah ganon ba... Eh girlfriend lang pala di pa kasal! Ha-ha.
Conspiracy theory is a term custom-made for us. Huh? Do I know them? Do I know you? Are you talking to me? Nasan ako?!
If we had it our way, we all would have been married to ball players... that is if loyalty and stalkerbility counts as wifeable material to them.
We are each other’s Confucius. Wisdom was not only of a junior year’s section but it’s something that we take seriously... Seriously, you’re eating too much. Seriously, you’re not eating. Seriously, it’s time you look into a mirror, let’s go shopping!
We put life on the words Smile for picture.
Stories are never repetitive, cos every chikka session elicits a whole new round of stories and laughter. Remember G double O D good? How about our science-lab-turned-classroom-days? Or what about Super blag? K Kids? Or who was that kid that pooped in his pants and thus the infamous nickname?
Count on our own families (as in our moms, dads, brothers, and sisters) to know all of us by face and sometimes (if your lucky) by names. And if you catch them on a good day, you always get the question… tan dan dan dan… Do you have a boyfriend na?
A spat is a spat is a spat.. And just like a red SSSSPAT of a pen on a clean sheet of paper, you can always just fix it with a liquid paper (it may come in brush strokes or tape form). Or if you shake it like a polaroid picture, it will eventually go away and a beautiful picture will eventually be where it should be. A groups of friends all growing together and still finding each other amid life’s hang-ups.
We all share fond childhood, ICAM memories together. Batibot? The numerous chaperoned, wholesome excursions… and the infamous, meeting/ lova-palooza at the back of the classroom with our respective young love sweetheart partners.
We come in groups and we battle in troops. May it be an ex-boyfriend/ ex-fling/ ex-boilette slash the enemy war. Or a life-altering this-is-what-life’s-all-about event, we are there. Maybe lately less in numbers, but in spirit, we are there like gamo-gamos around a bright light bulb on a hot summer night.
Once you’re in, you can never can go out! Take a pick JF2? GASP? Or GM (wherever they may be)?
We are each others’ boyfriends. We all went to an exclusive, ALL-GIRL, CATHOLIC school. So you can just imagine that for the longest time we had each others’ backs. We look out for each other, we were all inseparable. We can stay all day together at school, talk on the phone afterwards, and then to top it all spend weekends together.
We all understand each other’s body language and will GET what each LOOK means. Down to the . or !
We are all GROWING up with each other. Growing not just physically or in numbers, but age-ing all together. We don’t constantly need to be around each other, but we know that no matter what time zones (whether in Manila or out… of Manila… or out there somewhere?!) we are all in each other’s radars for times of comforts and companionship.
We all GO together. The only question is when, what time (what country and who’s time are we following?) , and we’re there. We may not all jump on the cliff but count on all of us to be there before, during, and, after the fall.
We are each other’s assassinator. What did he do? What do you want us to do about it? Where does he hang out? Is this his car? Is that the girl?.. And more importantly, is that his place?
We have our own support group. Ok, is that him? … do you love him? Does he make you happy? Do we see that he makes you happy?… Ok fine, welcome to the family. BUT! Is that him?! Do you love him?.. Hmm… Does he make you happy? … Uh-huh… Do WE see that HE MAKES you happy?… Ahhh… ok until when do we have to put up with this?
There’s only 2 ways we know how to go about a problem… Eat? Drink? Or all of the above? :D
We won’t back down on a dare. Butchi anyone? Blowing bubbles? Fries on the stage? Birthday corner (!!!)
We’re very sorry but if you happen to catch a movie and you see us there, for your own sake, please try to understand that it will be best for you to catch the next screening. Please consider this a warning.
We are each other’s pimp! That skirt is too short, that blouse appears too sweet, your make-up should be bonggang bongga! OR! Do you have the number? O anong problema? … May girlfriend ba?… Ah ganon ba... Eh girlfriend lang pala di pa kasal! Ha-ha.
Conspiracy theory is a term custom-made for us. Huh? Do I know them? Do I know you? Are you talking to me? Nasan ako?!
If we had it our way, we all would have been married to ball players... that is if loyalty and stalkerbility counts as wifeable material to them.
We are each other’s Confucius. Wisdom was not only of a junior year’s section but it’s something that we take seriously... Seriously, you’re eating too much. Seriously, you’re not eating. Seriously, it’s time you look into a mirror, let’s go shopping!
We put life on the words Smile for picture.
Stories are never repetitive, cos every chikka session elicits a whole new round of stories and laughter. Remember G double O D good? How about our science-lab-turned-classroom-days? Or what about Super blag? K Kids? Or who was that kid that pooped in his pants and thus the infamous nickname?
Count on our own families (as in our moms, dads, brothers, and sisters) to know all of us by face and sometimes (if your lucky) by names. And if you catch them on a good day, you always get the question… tan dan dan dan… Do you have a boyfriend na?
A spat is a spat is a spat.. And just like a red SSSSPAT of a pen on a clean sheet of paper, you can always just fix it with a liquid paper (it may come in brush strokes or tape form). Or if you shake it like a polaroid picture, it will eventually go away and a beautiful picture will eventually be where it should be. A groups of friends all growing together and still finding each other amid life’s hang-ups.
We all share fond childhood, ICAM memories together. Batibot? The numerous chaperoned, wholesome excursions… and the infamous, meeting/ lova-palooza at the back of the classroom with our respective young love sweetheart partners.
We come in groups and we battle in troops. May it be an ex-boyfriend/ ex-fling/ ex-boilette slash the enemy war. Or a life-altering this-is-what-life’s-all-about event, we are there. Maybe lately less in numbers, but in spirit, we are there like gamo-gamos around a bright light bulb on a hot summer night.
Once you’re in, you can never can go out! Take a pick JF2? GASP? Or GM (wherever they may be)?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)