100 days and not celebrating

One of his korean friends told me, that koreans, instead of our way of the 40 days after someone’s passing on, they do it after 100 days.

A hundred days…

The longest time we didnt talk since I knew him was 2 months… rough months. And now… it’s been more than that.

I still cry… I dont think that will ever stop. I cry when I’m alone, when I’m in the shower… or somewhere no one can see me… or hear me. And today, as if someone up there knows I’ve been trying to keep it together for awhile now, that I will breakdown today, today I am left alone at home. I cry alone… not because I dont want everyone around me when I do… I cry alone cos when I do… I cry… with sobs… I wail… I call for him. It’s ironic how I would usually pacify a crying child… I usually just brush off crying and tell them to say bye-bye tears. I wish I could tell that myself sometimes… those crying times. Cos when I start… it’s always hard to stop.

I miss him terribly… just read a friend’s reply telling me to just talk to him. It’s probably something I would have told someone after I lost dad, keep on talking to them cos theyre around. And now… how come it feels so sad… knowing he’s around but I cant talk to him, that I can’t hear him, that I cant even find out how he is. It’s not as comforting as how I thought it be.

I go on everyday asking… why did he leave me. They say it best… u dont get over that lonely feeling, u just get used to it.

I dont think I have fully realized everything, that he’s gone… and everyday is a painful reminder, a painful realization that he is. It’s like being awake to a nightmare, only to realize it is a nightmare. I wake up everyday with a reminder of you, of what I lost, and what it feels like loosing you.

They say everything happens for a reason, that our life comes in full circle. How come I feel so lost. There’s a lot of uncertainties… but more than the uncertainties… it’s the feeling of til when. Til when will I be wandering around uncertain. How long til I know the reason behind this, if there is such.

No more pains. That, I always keep on mind. He’s no longer bound by the physical restrictions of this life. There’s no cancer in heaven.

I want you to be happy… that’s the only reason I go on everyday. I dont want u to keep on being hurt, just cos im hurting. I dont want u to feel pain just cause im in pain. And no matter how selfish I am wanting u near, I dont want u to not move on just cos im holding on.

I’m scared… the song asks, “would u know my name, if I saw u in heaven?”. If there’s one request from me before you go, please, please, please, dont forget me even in heaven.

Everyone just please say a prayer or two for Mark today.