Magnitude

Since I start writing again might as well do a back to back.

“Before you do something, anything, remember to think twice, thrice... seven times before you actually do it.”

Some words of wisdom my dad would repeatedly tell us whenever one of us or us-collectively is in trouble. I cannot stress how many times my dad has used this spiel and how much he would keep on saying it over and over and over again as long as youre on the hot seat. The hot seat, that’s how we usually refer to it when someone is in trouble and dad calls you to have ‘a word’ with you. Usually, it’s with my brothers, one of them, but! since I am (like how I’ve stressed sooo many times!!!) one of the boys, I am usually a victim of the collective “talk”. Forced to sit with them through it just cos someone did something, and I’ve heard the whole caboodle! All sorts of talks from no-drugs, you sneaked out you got busted, no-preggos, youre too young to get married and you cant support a family yet... to the stupidest one like looking ala dennis rodman with the blond hair to pulling an allnighter on the phone when u know u have school. Ah! The perks of having kuyas around!

I know Im no perfect, I may seem like an angel growing up next to (dare)devils but I also had an era which I just trashed what dad used to tell us and lived life without thinking or rethinking anything. It was problie around the time dad passed, see growing up with a strict, strict father who are backed by spies err my kuyas, was just really tough! So can you blame me? If dad was Marcos my mom was the complete opposite, and so naturally it was like Martial Law to "i trust u anak". I did everything and anything for no reason or for d stupidest reasons. I went on a try-all-u-can spree. I allowed myself to be dared, pressured, forced, and do things just for fun; if not I was the one on the other side daring, pushing, pressuring, forcing, or showing the fun. Those were good times for sure, I look back at it I dont regret anything (!!!). It’s something I think most of us go through, we test limits, our personal, and even moral limits.

It was fun and memorable, the things I did, things I tried, dares I pulled.

But today, I go back to what my dad said. You have to keep on pushing yourself to keep on thinking, and rethinking and rethinking and then do it all over again and again and again. And these days especially because of the nightmare that happened last Monday. I wonder at night and always go back to the incident, and it’s just draining to feel sad, anger, hurt, pain, fear, rage, and lots of other stuffs and then do it over and over again. I keep thinking to myself, had M followed what dad used to say perhaps things would be different.

If only he thought to himself that life is not just about one profession, that perhaps he couldve just let go of his case and concentrated on opening up a business, exploring other job opportunities. A bodyguard perhaps, or maybe even public office?
If only he thought about just staying at home and how Mondays are always a good day for noontime TV especially with showtime always getting new guest judges or soaps are continued with the cliffhangers they left on Friday.
If only he thought that social networking sites or youtube is the best and easiest way to be popular and a good opportunity to be heard. Had he been on twitter he couldve twitted the president, had uploaded on utube he couldve landed a role and forget being a cop altogether.
Or if only someone taught him such “techy”niques instead of coming up with the 3pm deadlock deadline.
Or if he only thought about his own life, his own family, his own family name, how they will have to live with that stigma; to be associated with him and then later on be looking for a job, will build a family, will go abroad...
Or if he only thought about PNP, how controversies are just piling up one after the other people just don’t seem to know what to make of them anymore; how he is, WAS a part of them that there’s probably men out there, his colleagues, subordinates, bosses, kumpares who are out there...
Or if he only thought about our fresh and construction on-going government, how its barely standing, barely able to figure out how to pick up the pieces from previous tenants, rebuilding our nation, and just seem to be working to be a fresh sign of CHANGE for everyone these days...
Or if he only thought about the Pinoys- OFWS and immigrants who are from where his victims were, how they are struggling to make a mark at the place where they are to help family, to ease unemployment problems in our country, hardworking individuals yet sometimes considered part of the disadvantaged 2nd or at times even 3rd, 4th class citizens...
Or if only he thought about our country, how we are always just lined with corruption and terrorism, how we are more than what and how we are perceived globally yet never seem to catch a good break...
Or if he only thought about the lives of the people he would take down with him on that bus, their families- parents, kids, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, grandparents, grandchildren, friends, and everyone waiting for them to go back happy and safe from a trip. How they are just innocent, happy troopers who woke up early that day, chose what to wear, problie had a free breakfast buffets, and have packed luggages exploding with shopping loots; that these were people who actually chose our country and entrusted us of their tourist money, and of their lives. Also a side note, their ocean park is better yet they still traveled and paid to see ours...
Had he only thought about life. that it is not ours to take. not something to toy with. not something to treat carelessly, not always how it seems, not always easy, not always bad, not always good, not always how we want it, yet always something that can be made into something... something to be contented with, or something we accept it to be.

I watched that day only to find myself playing the tragic scenes over and over again yet even worse that what was on TV cos then I always think to myself the this and that had M listened to my dad and thought about his actions.

The magnitude of this event is just too much I cannot bear it anymore.

Yet I always go back to another realization that in more ways than one we are all connected to the personalities of the event. Each one of us probably knows a cop, has a Chinese?HKer friend, has been on tour... to HK or elsewhere, has business partners at HK, has family who is a high ranking government official, and the list could go on. All of us who witnessed, watched through the event we are all touched by the tragedy; so in ways we all feel the same, a little bit of what I feel perhaps you feel as well, and a little bit of what you feel I’m sure I feel it just the same.

He was from HK, and it was also a rainy day. Perhaps this is why... I do not like the rain anymore.