1ndependence

Pagod na ko. Pagod na ko nang walang ginagawa.

I’ve heard some people say that to them reading a book is a waste. A waste of time. Why? Cause life can be happening elsewhere while you are at your bed reading instead of living what could be written. True? I don’t know.

PERSONALLY. You want to know what I think is a waste? It’s doing nothing in nothingness and choosing to stay in nothing land pretending to do nothing for nothing. Simply put. WALA.

HAH. Kailangan kong huminga.

I am currently facing a dilemma. A dilemma that shouldn’t be one. I was ecstatic just some days ago. AS IN FINALLY!!!! There seems to be light... or atleast something worth it. Basta may SOMETHING!

And then in 1... 2... 3... KONTRA. Ang kasiyahan napalitan agad ng pag aagam-agam. At minsan ang pag aagam-agam ay nagiging sanhi ng sadyang pagkabalisa at ang pagkabalisa sa taong walang ginagawa ay madalas nagdudulot ng kalungkutan.

HAY. Isa pang mas malalim na hinga na may kasamang isang buhos ng pagmumuni muni.

Gusto ko. Gusto ko talaga. Kaya ko. Nararamdaman ko. Feeling ko. Paninindigan ko. PERO SIYEMPRE NAMAN... I need support. I need someone stable to tell me I can do it. That it’s feasible.

SURPRISINGLY, my mom said it’s ok. What’s new? My mom is my mom is my mom. If I ask her if I could fly to Iraq tomorrow she’ll give me the same answer, Kung gusto mo GO! My mom hardly, rarely says no. Although I know at the beginning she had BIG, HUGE-ASS apprehensions. Well ok, she was on the nay side instantly. Pero ngayon it’s bittersweet.

What’s more surprising? People whom I thought would atleast show support are blatantly disproving of the idea. Even giving me facts and statistics, why they are going against it.

ARGH! I get them ok. Hinga pa ko ule.

I don’t blame them for thinking otherwise because, come on! Everyone knows, I’ve been the baby for the longest time. Pampered, sheltered, always protected. Is it my fault? No. Is it my family’s fault? No. That’s just how it is.

But for me, since an opportunity is available, I want to try it. It’s to prove them if they are right or if I can prove them wrong. More importantly, I want to, NEED TO prove it to myself... na kaya ko!

Believe me! I get you. Natatakot din ako.

Pero mas nakakatakot kung hindi ko gawin to ngayon. Lalong lalo na ngayon dahil baka kung di ko to magawa ngayon, kelan pa?

photo aka: My sister's artwork.