15 hours away from home.

Jetlagging is a state of mind. PERSONALLY. It’s never about time difference. Oh yes I am back, and yes, this is not said with enthusiasm but with sarcasm. Why did I go back? I do not know. I have mentioned it would have been utterly stupid to return before my birthday. And now here I am a few months or so away from Christmas... I have got to be kidding myself right. No just being dumb. TOTALLY IDIOTIC DUMB. Who leaves home and returns jobless to a dreaded place? I can now see my audience flashing the L sign on top of their foreheads. Come on baby do the locomtion...

The past couple of years I have been living n leaving, simply put, been surviving a nomadic life. What does that mean? I really don’t know! But let me try... I’ve been to several places in a span of 2 years. Was living at home one day then next thing I know I was leaving, shipped somewhere far, very very far. 18 hours away to be exact. Was I forced? or was it a choice? As I am the mother of contradictions... I think it's the latter.

FREEDOM. INDEPENDENCE. Oh such nice words but how nice are they in real life? PERSONALLY. Living halfway away from home, IT IS NOT WHAT I DREAMED IT TO BE. But then again, I have yet to move out move out. It’s a premature moving out, because maybe I did move out from home (VOLUNTARILY OR INVOLUNTARILY), but truth be told, I have always been living at sister’s or brother’s extra bedroom. In pinoy terms, brother’s or sister’s bed spacer, extended family at its best.

It is not a Filipino thing to move out. But zooming back, as a little gurl I was dreaming of moving out since I first got my first no-you-may-not-go-out-tonight from my parents. I planned it with friends, even set out a deadline, year 2005. Oh those were the days. Then I dreamed about it with someone, now that was promising! ... Oh moving on!

I was raised pinoy style aka very dependent... to my family, my friends, and even to our helps at home. Back at home I grew up thinking that we never have to eat, watch a movie, or anything that involves sitting down in public for more than 30mins ALONE. It made sense because you always have friends to meet up with, you always have family to go with you, or worst, you can always ask a help to go with you.

That’s what I thought, and look what it did to me now! HA HA HA.

Zoomed back to life, PRESENT ONE. When you’re somewhat forced to start from scratch in terms of family or friends aka a life, you just have to cut that crap! When the only family living close-by are but a handful or so, and when you can merely count old, old distant friends or consider colleagues as the friends... then kid! it’s time to embrace your lonesome independence.

As for me, yes I am learning SLOWLY. As I congratulate myself for being able to pull through writing this piece in my lonesome in a coffee shop as I wait for the bus to arrive. WOOT WOOT. This is a feat! A new beginning? Oh I hope so! Baby steps... no make that baby ants’ steps. Or maybe a tiny earthworm crawling through... crawling through people, crawling through! Hopefully soon really crawling on my own.