Halloween 2007

Boo!


Well make it BOOred!


In the Philippines, it’s only just now that people are starting to recognize this occasion. So yes, I admit it, we were deprived of nice fancy costumes and don’t forget that extra kick of candy splurgin’ toothaches! Hands down this holiday would’ve just been about souls and saints.

But not here!




Well you have to give it to my littlest bro... I guess he’s the most deprived of us all! Next to him, our costumes looked OH SO NORMAL!



At the end of the day... i still wished I was home! I miss all of my nieces' and nephews' in-(lola's)house halloween party!!!

But for now, I guess we just have to wait until our little one grows up.


pic aka JO-LIBAG, Cowgurrl, REVran, Barbie gurl (china recall version), and black angel/student cross dresser.

1ndependence

Pagod na ko. Pagod na ko nang walang ginagawa.

I’ve heard some people say that to them reading a book is a waste. A waste of time. Why? Cause life can be happening elsewhere while you are at your bed reading instead of living what could be written. True? I don’t know.

PERSONALLY. You want to know what I think is a waste? It’s doing nothing in nothingness and choosing to stay in nothing land pretending to do nothing for nothing. Simply put. WALA.

HAH. Kailangan kong huminga.

I am currently facing a dilemma. A dilemma that shouldn’t be one. I was ecstatic just some days ago. AS IN FINALLY!!!! There seems to be light... or atleast something worth it. Basta may SOMETHING!

And then in 1... 2... 3... KONTRA. Ang kasiyahan napalitan agad ng pag aagam-agam. At minsan ang pag aagam-agam ay nagiging sanhi ng sadyang pagkabalisa at ang pagkabalisa sa taong walang ginagawa ay madalas nagdudulot ng kalungkutan.

HAY. Isa pang mas malalim na hinga na may kasamang isang buhos ng pagmumuni muni.

Gusto ko. Gusto ko talaga. Kaya ko. Nararamdaman ko. Feeling ko. Paninindigan ko. PERO SIYEMPRE NAMAN... I need support. I need someone stable to tell me I can do it. That it’s feasible.

SURPRISINGLY, my mom said it’s ok. What’s new? My mom is my mom is my mom. If I ask her if I could fly to Iraq tomorrow she’ll give me the same answer, Kung gusto mo GO! My mom hardly, rarely says no. Although I know at the beginning she had BIG, HUGE-ASS apprehensions. Well ok, she was on the nay side instantly. Pero ngayon it’s bittersweet.

What’s more surprising? People whom I thought would atleast show support are blatantly disproving of the idea. Even giving me facts and statistics, why they are going against it.

ARGH! I get them ok. Hinga pa ko ule.

I don’t blame them for thinking otherwise because, come on! Everyone knows, I’ve been the baby for the longest time. Pampered, sheltered, always protected. Is it my fault? No. Is it my family’s fault? No. That’s just how it is.

But for me, since an opportunity is available, I want to try it. It’s to prove them if they are right or if I can prove them wrong. More importantly, I want to, NEED TO prove it to myself... na kaya ko!

Believe me! I get you. Natatakot din ako.

Pero mas nakakatakot kung hindi ko gawin to ngayon. Lalong lalo na ngayon dahil baka kung di ko to magawa ngayon, kelan pa?

photo aka: My sister's artwork.

Number 1 or Number 2

I have been constantly and fervently (whatever that means), no seriously, praying (!!!) for the good Lord to answer my prayers.

I have faith.

But I know sometimes my actions seem to lack of it.

And so I gave up... and just entrusted him with everything. No more planning me, no more visions of hopes and dreams.

Ended my wishful thinkings.

Stop daydreaming!

I let go. ... and no doubt been living with that decision. (Or maybe not?... not really.)

There are things that are just supposed to be left... left!

I accepted that things are meant to be out of my hands. And I have to stop trying to control them.

Touche.



And so now. He did answer. Or atleast gave a preview of it.

Just as I was trying to settle to the idea of a Number 2 option... I think Number 1 is just around the corner.

I am excited. ... But a little bit overwhelmed.

Should I stay or should I go? ( Sing with Parokya now...Bakit ang panget panget mow?)

A question I may (should) have the answer... but maybe a bit apprehensive to do so.

Once I take the plunge, I know I shall be in for a dive of my life! .... Yay!



LET'S GO INTERACTIVE:

I know I have about a handful (well I can count them with my post-new year-fireworks-fingers) readers and so I need all of you to comment.

Pick a number 1 or 2.

No questions, no judgements.

Further details: Available upon request. (truth and time will tell- Justin Bobby)

Photo aka: Spot the difference.

15 hours away from home.

Jetlagging is a state of mind. PERSONALLY. It’s never about time difference. Oh yes I am back, and yes, this is not said with enthusiasm but with sarcasm. Why did I go back? I do not know. I have mentioned it would have been utterly stupid to return before my birthday. And now here I am a few months or so away from Christmas... I have got to be kidding myself right. No just being dumb. TOTALLY IDIOTIC DUMB. Who leaves home and returns jobless to a dreaded place? I can now see my audience flashing the L sign on top of their foreheads. Come on baby do the locomtion...

The past couple of years I have been living n leaving, simply put, been surviving a nomadic life. What does that mean? I really don’t know! But let me try... I’ve been to several places in a span of 2 years. Was living at home one day then next thing I know I was leaving, shipped somewhere far, very very far. 18 hours away to be exact. Was I forced? or was it a choice? As I am the mother of contradictions... I think it's the latter.

FREEDOM. INDEPENDENCE. Oh such nice words but how nice are they in real life? PERSONALLY. Living halfway away from home, IT IS NOT WHAT I DREAMED IT TO BE. But then again, I have yet to move out move out. It’s a premature moving out, because maybe I did move out from home (VOLUNTARILY OR INVOLUNTARILY), but truth be told, I have always been living at sister’s or brother’s extra bedroom. In pinoy terms, brother’s or sister’s bed spacer, extended family at its best.

It is not a Filipino thing to move out. But zooming back, as a little gurl I was dreaming of moving out since I first got my first no-you-may-not-go-out-tonight from my parents. I planned it with friends, even set out a deadline, year 2005. Oh those were the days. Then I dreamed about it with someone, now that was promising! ... Oh moving on!

I was raised pinoy style aka very dependent... to my family, my friends, and even to our helps at home. Back at home I grew up thinking that we never have to eat, watch a movie, or anything that involves sitting down in public for more than 30mins ALONE. It made sense because you always have friends to meet up with, you always have family to go with you, or worst, you can always ask a help to go with you.

That’s what I thought, and look what it did to me now! HA HA HA.

Zoomed back to life, PRESENT ONE. When you’re somewhat forced to start from scratch in terms of family or friends aka a life, you just have to cut that crap! When the only family living close-by are but a handful or so, and when you can merely count old, old distant friends or consider colleagues as the friends... then kid! it’s time to embrace your lonesome independence.

As for me, yes I am learning SLOWLY. As I congratulate myself for being able to pull through writing this piece in my lonesome in a coffee shop as I wait for the bus to arrive. WOOT WOOT. This is a feat! A new beginning? Oh I hope so! Baby steps... no make that baby ants’ steps. Or maybe a tiny earthworm crawling through... crawling through people, crawling through! Hopefully soon really crawling on my own.

Naka-1 din SA WAKAS!

Ang mundo sadyang nakapagtataka... gaya na lang ng tuwing may Lasalle-Ateneo.

Napapansin ko kadalasan ang mga taong manunuod sa laro ay dumadating ng batalya-batalyon (they come in troops) na waring nagmamarcha sa iisang patutunguhan. Makikita mo sa daan, sa lrt, sa mrt, at lalong lalo na sa kalapit na Mall ng Araneta. Siguro sa pagpatak pa lang ng alas-8 ang mga tao simula nang dumadagsa sa Cubao at kadalasan ang karamihan sa kanila ay namamalagi na lang malapit dito dahi sa pag-aabang ng laro. Makikita mo, para silang mga langgam, nagtutumpok tumpok at sunud-sunod, kadalasan lageng umaandar, gumagalaw, o di kaya'y nag-aantayan. Dalawang grupo ng mga langgam---ang iba nakaberde ang iba naka asul.

Bigla ka na lang tuloy mapapaisip? San galing itong mga taong to?!

Noong ako ay estudyante pa, sa tuwing may laban at may klase kame... nong unang taon namin (o noong kame ay tinatawag pang frosh), kadalasan ang mga klase isinususpende upang kame ay makapanuod. Lalo na dahil noong taon yon ay ang huling taon ni Ren-Ren Ritualo, bidang bida yata kame non. Pero sa mga susunod na taon, wala na! Kanya-kanya nang diskarte ito. Madalas sigurado cut na, o di kaya papasok ka lang para sa attendance pagkatapos non kunwari magbabanyo ka tos mag-iiwan lang ang isang libro o kaya ang buong bag mo sa silya mo, pagkalabas ng kwarto, ayon laya na. Gaya nga ng ginagawa ko non, No looking back na, dire-diretso lang. Isipin mo na lang for the school spirit. Malas na lang pag biglaan pa lang may exam o kung ano man. Pero kadalasan naman, kung wala talagang choice, may big screen naman sa canteen na pwede mo na lang silip-silipin habang nagklaklase ka. Yon nga lang, Baduy!

Ngayon naman na nagtratrabaho na ako (diumano), sadya kong naiisip. May mga tao kayang inilalagay yon sa mga saktong hinihiling nila bago pumirma ng kontrata sa isang kompanya na kapag huwebes at may laro ang Lasalle, lalo na kung ang kalaban ay Ateneo ay pihadong Half-day na sila o kaya ay on-leave na??? Madalas kase ang mga taong nakakasalimuha ko sa mga laro ay yaong mga pare-pareho din namang mga tao na nakasabayan ko pa din noong nag-aaral ako. (Subalit inaamin ko, talagang mabibilang na lamang kameng nagkikita kita sapagkat kadalasan ay yaong mga totoy at nene na mga estudyante na ang kasabayan namin!) O kagaya lang din ba ang karamihan sa aking sitwasyon?


Ganto ang simula... payapa at kalma. Lamang kase sila!


Ang mundo ng UAAP...

Akala ko babalik na ko sa aking dating buhay nang bigo. Sa season 70, nakakapanuod na ako ng 3 laro, at don sa lahat ng yoon, ni hindi man lang ako nakakanta ng aming alma mater song. In short, lageng talo! Mga panget na talo pa. Kulang na lang umuwi na ko kapag 4th quarter na, dahil kadalasan ang talo namin o ang mga kamalasan ay dumadagsa sa period na ito. Hay buhay....



Sa huli, ito ay isa lamang laro...

May natatalo, may nananalo at may pinapanigan ng buenas. ... at mayroon din namang ipinagkakaloob talaga.


Ito ang dahilan kung bakit mas masarap manuod ng gumagalaw (LIVE!), maingay na libre pa sumigaw at may bonus pang lobo!

Sa aming paboritong kalaban, isa lang ang aking nakabiting tanong... Hindi ba malungkot noong nawala kame?

Ang akin lang... masaya na ako nang makapanuod nang kahit na anong laban, yon lang makapanuod ng 3 laban, kahit puro talo OK na talaga. Pihado ganon din naman ang karamihan sa amin, basta masabi lang na naglalaro na ule OK na! Pero kagaya nga ng buhay, natural mente masarap din namang makatikim nang MAS OK pa!

Dead dad's club... 12 members mourning.

And here's a few of us.

The Grey's Anatomy's episode where George's dad died, I remember Christina consoling him about it. She mentioned the Dead Dad's Club and like how she said it, it is sad to be a part of it. Ironically, I knew the feeling as at 17, I became a part of it. Christina's "club" may have sounded a bit, well Christinaish, yet (I think) it was the right words of support at the right time.

When my dad died, I appreciated everyone's support, their love for me and my family. But, always, always... at the back of my mind, I was always thinking that they do not know the feeling. Like everyone else, my friends especially, I believe that I lived a sheltered life. During that time, the only closest person whom I know that passed away was an aunt. I "knew" of the grieving part, the praying for the dead, and all that but I never truly understood it, felt its impact on my life... not until I lost my own dad.

For the longest time, I dint want to talk about it. Not a lot of people knew that for months we considered a couple of hospitals our home. For months, the whole family's plans and our own lives were put on hold. I remember going to my school's chapel everyday to pray... the rosary, st. joseph's novena, and all other prayers. It was that type of comfort that I was looking for, it was as if staying at the chapel bought me more time. In there, time freezes, and I was at peace that my dad was taken cared of even while I was away from him.

It was a tough, trying time. And to this day, I remember everything like it was just yesterday. And how I wish for just one more day with our dad.


And now, zoom back to life. We did loose our dad but we all learned and got our strength from the experience.





The family keeps on getting bigger... and better (???)... but at the end of the day, we all wish to be with our dad.





















As for me, I'm no longer that baby in the family who hides and lives by my mom's or brothers' and sisters' wings. I can now stand on my own. And moreso, I am no longer afraid of death.



More importantly, please say a prayer or two today for the most important man in my life, my dear daddy. He would've been 62 years old today!

And to my smoking friends, skip a stick or a pack today, you never know how much extra time it could give you and your loved ones.

JUST FACTS... Version 2

After a very uneventful birthday last year, I was only waiting for my mom's GO signal (ows? pinilit nga ba?) to finally extand/ overstay and celebrate it home. It's not everyday that I spend my birthday on a Friday and looking at it now, It would have been utterly stupid to just go 2 days before my birthday? Ano ko bale???

A person's birthday is that one day that we all can claim to ourselves, in short to be excuse-fully SELFISH about everything. And so what better way to do it than by wasting your time on some silly facts about me:

1. If you don't know it by now (kailangan pa bang imemorize yan?!) I am from a very big, HUGE family. And one of my biggest concerns whenever I live away from home is that my nieces and nephews would forget about me. Or that I would miss a lot on my family's happenings!

Speaking of family events, here's my family







celebrating my birthday....

... not just once, but 3 times in different venues!





2. I am a very picky person, especially in terms of my friends. My dad always, always stressed this out, that we should learn to be able to choose our friends for they can often bring us up or pull us down. I have a handful of people I know by name and face, but I also have a lot I consider my treasures in this lifetime.

And here's a bunch of them who came and celebrated their Friday night with me!




3. I am obsessed with my name, it's probably one of those brilliant things that my parents did to me pre-birth!


4. Just recently I realized that my fear of mascots can be traced back to childhood memories of Takeshi's Castle. I remember being scared of Master Takeshi's head (which one?!); and also those 2 goons from the show that chases around people through doors and if caught would rub black makeup on your face. SCARY!!!

5. I am honestly scared of cats; and believe it or not, whenever I see or dare to look at one (whether in a movie, cartoon, or WORSE in real life) that would mean that I would have a NIGHTMARE about them! Really disturbing!

6. If you want to see the worst of my temper, wake me up UNEXPECTEDLY. One of the things that I hate most is when someone wakes me up. It's true for me with what they say, lokohin mo na ang lasing wag lang ang bagong gising or make that WAG MO LANG AKONG GISINGIN! I wake up on my own, you dont need to bother with me!!!

7. I love to sneeze... always WITH FEELINGS!

8. Every time I watch children perform, whether a simple song, or a dance number. No matter how happy the occasion I often cry!!! I cry because just like their parents, I am proud of their little achievements.

9. I cry when you cry. Whenever I see someone, anyone, I know (or even those I do not know) cry, it also makes me cry! Wuss!

10. When I was a kid and it was time for our afternoon nap, I often hid in my room and would line up my dolls and pretend they were my students. I would make the wall my blackboard and just loved playing pretend school with them!

11. Jason Webb will always have a big part in my heart! Yiiiiiiihhhhhh-hA!

12. I black out when I'm totally drunk, wasted!

13. I am very matampuhin. Little things get to me and when they do sometimes it takes a while before I go back to my usual self.

14. I'm the type that often PLANS things and when I want to go out or do something, I often start by asking people of their plans.

15. I can drive, but when I do, please, please do not distract me! My multi-tasking capability is in 0 gear when I am driving.

For more bday pics --->
http://www.flickr.com/photos/livingnleaving/

September 5, 2007

My special guest for my birth month!




And he comes here in the Philippines... with wings!




And this is all he had do to take my breath away!



That smile shot me down to the ground and back to my bed!

Ang sarap mo Kobe!
Sinundan mo pa ko dito ah!

It's been 3 long years

Living and leaving in 10 ways:

Sometimes, the RIGHT THING to do is purposely difficult AT THE BEGINNING.

Be someone's best friend, learn to love, breathe, and enjoy all at the same time. If it ends, accept it THAT YOU JUST CAN'T BE FRIENDS... atleast not right away.

You break up with someone ONCE, the next times you just HAVE TO accept that THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.

When it hurts... it doesn't always mean IT'S NOT RIGHT.

One can only wait until a certain time... after a while it EXPIRES. But the hardest part of it all is accepting that you're just not waiting anymore... you're actually just CURIOUS to find out HOW IT WILL END.

You let go... BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MEAN you move on right away.

One day... you just wake you just realize that you're ok.

When the butterflies are gone, it shouldve long been replaced by comfortable silence or farting familiarity. IF NOT, then it doesn't mean you have to KEEP ON CHASING THE BUTTERFLIES.

Some days can be difficult, and when that happens you can only a) go back to the memories shared and be happy with it OR b) think of the WORST and REMIND YOURSELF why it's the end.



Photo aka: Drunkard's Survival Kit- Issi, Jose with some lime and salt on the side, a bottle of water, a handful of INsanity plus a camera with a timer.

A Belated Happy July 2007!

There are obvious reasons why I keep on coming back home... and there are just obligatory reasons why I need to go back home. If you look at it closely, there hasn't really been any life threating reasons (thank God!) why I should go home... but then again I still claim it's that way.

This time... I was torn. Between growing up or just living by the moment. I felt I needed to stay back because (like what I keep on telling myself) I don't have a job and so I NEED to stay in order to have one. But then again... it's summer time and I don't have a job... so what's the use of staying, right?

Well these gurls think so too!


And so... what better way to spend it than by catching up with our July girls. Lorraine and Mae! I dint make it for your birthdays but I sure hope I made it in time!


And so here's to my ladies that just makes me keep on forgetting about the growing up part. Some people say Disney is their happy place... as for me, it's still the PHILIPPINES!


Pano ba yan? I made it home? Just feels soo good to have another classic pic at our house!

photo aka: Home, gurls with Issi... and our so reliable photographer fafa JR!

10 Things I learned and am starting to miss about the big apple

1. My family will always be my number one source of strength... and sometimes those inevitable AAAAHHHH moments!


2. Family doesnt always have to mean that you share the same last name.


3. Work doesn't always hafto be about dragging yourself out of the house in order to survive... sometimes it can actually be something you enjoy! My gawd I miss these kids!


4. We all (SHOULD? WOULD?) come to a point in life wherein we meet someone who actually survives off their own pocket, meaning no additional child support or emergency trust funds. And if it really is the right time, we are usually aaawwwed by such people... hence, making us work our asses of to be somewhat just like them.


5. Kids can come from all parts of the world but we dont really have to speak one language in order to get them (or in order for them to get us!)


6. NYC is the place to be...it's one of those cities that everyone should TRAVEL to... just for traveling... the living part, well you can as long as you think youll have the same enthusiasm for it as if youre still just TRAVELING.

7. Manhattan lifestyle is all being constantly in motion... think: snap, snap, snap while youre walking.


8. City living is all about walking or atleast mastering the subway... and so! it is also a nice work out. You never realize youve been walking 10blocks already as you are constantly surprised of the happenings at central park.... and that's just the park!


9. Winter is all about nice, photogenic sceneries of places covered in white snow or those OVERlayering winter outfits, but other than that.. that's about it! I still stand by what I say that fall is the best time in NY.

10. I miss that NY spunk... when youre there it's either you feel it within you or youre too annoyed that it just seems to be oozing off everyone next to you!


photos aka: my last days at NYC